seven years of marriage...

 In a little over two weeks, Matt and I will have been married seven years.  I wrote some thoughts about this on Valentine's Day, but I feel there is more to say.

I recently spent some time talking with someone who is in a new relationship. It was so refreshing, watching his face light up when talking about the girl he is with. I like seeing someone smile in that completely fascinated way. I remember how Matt had a smile like that for me. It was the most flattering sight in the world... I knew even before I held an entire conversation with him that he would do anything for me, and that was the first time I had ever seen that look, and reciprocated it.  it is almost like the face does some extra communicating during that first phase of love, to make up for all of the stupid things we end up saying.

 Matt and I fell in love quickly, within a handful of weeks...
but sometimes I wonder if I loved him even before I knew him.

I remember the first time I saw him, standing there with a bunch of his friends, telling a story and making everyone laugh. His face was rosy, like he'd spent a day at the beach. His hair was longer and highlighted, and he had this smile that made all his features so friendly and welcoming and kind of like home. As I passed by the doorway, I remember specifically telling myself, I need to meet him.

I've always secretly wanted to believe in love at first sight, in one way or another, so perhaps I experienced it in some way that day. Who really knows?

It's kind of amazing to think of all the things you can experience together in the span of almost-a-decade. New homes, new jobs, heartaches, vacations, birthdays, pregnancy, sleepless nights (both the good kind and the bad kind)…dealing with friendships, family, finances, insecurities and frustrations… I have changed in a hundred tiny ways from the girl he swooned over, and he has changed too.  Sometimes I look at the man I married and think,  "How is it possible that my husband does not know anything about me at all? Check, please." When in reality, I am still learning things about him.  We are always learning, always growing, forever changing.  And yet in some remarkable way, we remain in love.  I don't know how that happens.  The longer I am in this thing, the more I realize how completely amazing that is. 

The biggest lesson that I have learned when things are the worst is that there is always an after.  I tend to get caught in a moment, and can be so frustrated that all I can see is the present anger. Wait for it.  There is always a resolution. It's not always going to be what I want, and it's not always going to make sense, and sometimes he and I will end up deadlocked, staring at each other and saying, "FINE. Let's just move on." But I've been through enough bad days to have also experienced so many of the after-the-bad-day days.

And, oh, those are the best.

Also, sometimes it's okay to go to bed angry. Two days in a row, even. I know; the lies people tell you before you get married, right?

I'm grateful to have chosen to marry someone who is able to grow with me as the years go by. You never know, when you make those vows, what it is you will actually have to face as a couple. And in so many ways, I know Matt and I have really been blessesd. We've had a charmed life, by all accounts. But sometimes it's the small things that challenge you the most, and I'm glad that I still fit together so well with the man I fell in love with all those years ago.

As with everything, there is no perfect. There is no perfect marriage, no perfect plan, no perfect life. But I've come to learn that my husband is the one person who can offer me exactly what I need at my very core. I think that somehow I knew that when I first fell in love with him, and, all things considered, it's something he shows me more now than ever. Good days, bad days, days that are the best, days that are pretty much just putting one foot in front of the other. Every day.
We're making it work, seven years later. Which is a good feeling.