Being a Good Girl

Growing up, I was always considered a good girl.

I can remember times when people would tell my parents, "We are so glad our daughter is hanging out with Kristin.  She's a good influence."

The intended compliment stung a little.  Did those girls just want to be with me so they got to mess around and their parents wouldn't suspect anything?  {This happened a time or two.}  Or worse... were they being forced to invite me over and include me?

I was an intense people-pleaser in my childhood.  I was the kind of kid that didn't really need spankings.  For the most part disappointing someone was the worst thing in the world to me, and I was {still am} easily embarrassed.

But as I got older, that need to please became.... confused.  I couldn't please my parents/other adults and blend with my peers.  My insecurities became wrapped in those last shiny years of my teens and labeled with an empty slate.  Other kids my age had so much more... life experience than I had.  I had been steady.  And, I suddenly felt the need to push the boundaries... to see if there was some grand adventure that I’d been missing out on by living life within the lines.  I was torn by my adolescence... and had no idea how to become the sophisticated girl I longed to be.  


I remember when someone told me that I was not the kind of girl boys wanted to date.  I was too intimidating, too pure, too delicate.  I was kind that a boy wanted to marry.  I really didn't understand this, nor did I appreciate it.  I wanted to be a date-worthy girl.  I didn't know why I seemed to be missing the mark.  I mean, I wasn't extremely annoying... or unhygienic... I was a little shy, that's all.

I had my first kiss when I was 18.  That boy loved to torment me about how innocent I was... I know he actually treasured this quality in me, but I felt he had the advantage in everything and that made me uncomfortable.  I didn't want to be known as an innocent, a novice, as someone who was ignorant of life.  

For the first time, my steadiness in being me started to waver, ever so slightly.

I actually remember being surprised by any rebellious thoughts I had. They were so unfamiliar. Perhaps I should have taken that as a sign; those feelings of fighting my very nature. Trying to change what I had been all my life felt much more like an act than anything else. And I think I lost myself a bit...ok, a lot in that act.

During the next few years, I experienced a lot of new things. I made friends with people whom I didn’t always understand. I heard stories that made me blush. I went dancing for the first time. I had my first sip of alcohol.  I relished in those moments when I wasn’t singled out as the “good girl”, for once being seen as one of the group, someone who understood the world, someone who wasn’t afraid, someone who was just out to have fun. It felt nice to blend in.

Of course, the whole time I didn’t feel much like “me”. And I knew I wasn't fooling those who really knew me.  After a certain point, I realized that I didn’t really feel like I was discovering something new about myself; instead, I felt like I was losing something. I’d fight my inner conscience and tell myself I was just figuring out who I was. That this was just the natural progression of life. That there was only so long I could carry on the good girl image before “growing up” and being like everyone else.

Which is something I’ve since learned to be quite untrue.

As I look back on those few years, I wish - more than anything - that I’d never tried to be someone other than who I am. I know it sounds ridiculously cliche, but it’s true. And, sure, there are things that each of us must experience and discover as we go through life. Most of us manage to get a little drunk, kiss the wrong boy, say things we shouldn’t say, make friends with the wrong people,or  become a bit too self-indulgent. But I wish that I would have had more wisdom... and walked the same path without compromising what I am.

Which is, of course, a good girl.  

Being a good girl does not mean being a perfect girl by any means...it is having a comfort zone is slimmer than most.

As much as I hate it, I don't think I will ever quite grow out of caring what people think.  I absolutely crumble when I know I have stepped out of line, or said something foolish... even if it was a mistake {trust me, living a sheltered childhood has gotten me in trouble more than once!}.  I will never be the smooth talker, the cool girl, the witty flirt, or the life of the party.  I’ll most likely always be more comfortable on the couch at home, snuggling with my husband in front of a black and white movie.

I still test my boundaries now and again - and I still fight constantly to find the happy medium between who I am and who I think I should be. I still make mistakes and end up curled under the covers when I realize the person I’ve portrayed isn’t the actual girl I am inside. I still manage to say things I regret and do things I regret and wonder all the while why I should ever be ashamed to show the world what I am, pure and simple.

Because, really? I’m happy being the kind of girl who would rather be home on a Friday night,  writing in a journal and drinking milk out of a wine glass.

At this point in life, whenever I see a kid who looks a little too innocent, a little awkward in her skin, with a face that is too ready to blush... I resist the urge to give her a hug, but I always make eye contact and smile.  These girls always smile back.  I wish everything that I wanted could be communicated in that.  I wish it could say.  Stay just the way you are.  You think everyone else has a thicker skin, but I know how hard it is to be you. Because it’s who I am. It’s who I’ve always been.  They'll never know that is what the smile means, but at least they know that some stranger saw something special in them.

And maybe for just one of them, that discovery will hit at the right time, and they will have that little edge of confidence that it takes to not become everyone else.