A Momma Lesson...

{school time}   

There is a fault I have been falling into pretty regularly lately: 
 Self-criticism.  

I have had this problem for a long time, and it is just an area of sin-nature that surfaces strongly when I am not relying fully on my Savior.  I will find myself constantly remarking that I’m terrible at returning phone calls, or emails. Or hating myself for my inability to make a time commitment because having appointments and scheduled activities on the calendar gives me anxiety.  

I begin putting negative thoughts in other people's head before they have the chance to think it on their own. And while the negative self-talk generally only points out minor flaws, I realize that even on a small level, self-criticism adds up…. and takes a toll. 

"We live up to the potential we see within ourselves."

{Random quote I saw on Pinterest}

I received a slap in the face today when I realized that I was imposing this defense mechanism onto my sons. 

I realized I was focusing on their shortcomings.  I worry about their physical and mental development, I concern myself all day about patterns of negative behavior, and I fall to pieces sometimes over how they mirror my failures as a mother. 

There have been times recently when I have been embarrassed for my little men.  Children at the park cannot understand what they are saying.  They try to participate in games, but have no awareness or desire to follow the rules and other kids of their age get annoyed by it.  

I’m a bit ashamed to say that I have come to not have great expectations for them in social settings. They do their own thing, and are generally happy about it.  Then the next day, they long to go somewhere and see their "friends". and my heart hurts a little knowing that this feeling isn't reciprocated by the little people they come in contact with.  

I also worry about them academically  When we are alone and it is quiet, they do so well.  They understand so much, and really shine during our "school' time.  But add a little noise, or excitement, and they can't even count to three or remember their last name.  And their ability to listen goes out the window completely.

Things that last year I thought were cute, this year I am worried they are growing too big for.  They still want to wear super hero capes on every outing, and have trouble with simple self-awareness issues that make them seem like whirling dervishes.  Let's not even talk about the nightmare that is now going on two years of potty-training.  The proud mama bird expression I used to wear on my face every time they did anything has clouded with concern.

To some of you reading, I may sound like a ridiculous parent. Overkill. Drama. Making a mountain out of a mole hill. 

But those of you who are around us for any length of time understand what I mean.  My boys are amazing, and adorable, and energetic.  But they are also difficult... they don't listen well and change is tough on them. And therefore tough on me. Even the tiniest moderation to our daily life can send them into a tailspin of frustration…and forces me into an ultimate trial of my patience. 

This morning as we prepared to leave for the park, they insisted on wearing capes and masks, and fell apart when I suggested we leave them home today.  They were once again excited to go see "friends".  They jumped out of the van and began tearing through the park, careless of anything and anyone in their paths.

Then something remarkable happened.  A boy twice their age started following them.  He stripped off his top shirt and tied it around his neck like a cape.  Then a girl followed.  Pretty soon nearly every kid at the park was playing a game of follow the leader, and Jayden and Titus were the ecstatic leaders.  They were laughing, and talking, and being careful with the smaller kids.  They were a huge hit, and I was shocked.   My jaw hit the floor. Was this really happening? Tears welled in my eyes and my chest gave that Momma twinge. The twinge from the part of my heart that will always belong to these boys. 

This wasn’t about Jayden and Titus. This was about ME. Clearly, they are fine. The last hour had proven that. It was ME who wanted more. It was ME frightened about them growing up, and it was me trying to hold onto that world that still seemed safe and cooed over all of their antics. In reality, that’s not how the world works. Things don’t always go our way. And it’s my job as their Mom to introduce them to new experiences, rather than shielding them from opportunities to step outside of our comfort zone. I hadn’t given the boys the credit they deserved.  I assumed the worst, rather than expecting the best. And that was a sucky realization. I wasn’t reflecting the strength and confidence I want to see in them. But thankfully it didn’t matter. 

Today Jayden and Titus were my examples. Today they reminded me that it’s my job to be a champion for my children. To have more confidence in them than even they have in themselves. Because in the future, there will certainly be days when their confidence falters… and they will have their doubts… And on those days, when they look in my eyes searching for comfort and answers, what they see staring back at them sure as heck better serve to restore their confidence and remind them of all the greatness they are capable of. 

Being a mom is sometime weary-making.  I never before had to be better for someone else.  I thank the Lord for continually forgiveness, and mercy, and guidance.  I am so grateful that no matter how they turn out at the end of this growing-up journey, I am able to walk with them in it.  If nothing else good happens, I am already better because of it.