Body Image

I recently discovered that I weigh more than ever before, well--- with the exception of my third trimester.  I was at the Dr's office about a month ago, and had that always-awkward-moment when they make you step on that gigantic scale and you want to protest all sorts of logic like, "Why do you still use this ancient equipment?" and "Must you continue to slide all of the little weights up like that?  Can't we start on the heavy end and work backwards?  This is psychological warfare!" and "Hold on, let me take off my shoes real quick {and pants and sweater for that matter}."  

I have not weighed myself in several months, so the number was a bit of a shock. My first reaction was, what the frick??  But after this lady grabbed hold of herself, I realized a milestone had passed in my life.

For the first time ever, despite my initial reaction, I did not feel hideous.  There was a time in my life when a lot of self-worth was tied to a number.  But now I am heavier than ever before, yet when I look at myself in the mirror... I really like that girl much more than I used to. 

Granted, my pants are getting a tiny bit uncomfortable, and 90% of my wardrobe would fit better if I lost 5 lbs or so.  I recognize my need to eat healthier, and I know how much happier/ less tired I am when I exercise regularly.

I have started the South Beach Diet, basically as a guide to healthier eating.  I have become too dependent on easy meals like "taco night", or a quick pick up at the drive thru to trust myself without a little written restriction.  But I am not viewing it as a "diet"--- the horrible word that means depriving yourself and hating yourself until you are forced to give up in an all-night binge... but rather a life-change.  While I know on the other end of it I will feel better, I am not driven by looking better as I have always been before.  I won't be counting calories and pounds lost and driving myself crazy...

I guess it is just good to know that your perspective can shift when you aren't even trying.  Or maybe the best way to shift it is to focus on everything besides that thing that was bringing the negatives your way.  I am so happy and my life is so full that I cannot imagine hating myself for being a little rounder than before.  It makes me want to raise the banner for women everywhere... "You really ARE beautiful!  You have so much goodness in your life, and so much to offer!  Don't get hooked on a number!"   

It is a pleasant surprise to know that contentment happens whether you have reached that elusive personal best or not. It feels really good being here... and I know that anything more is just icing on my happy girl cake. :)