Thoughts on Deployment

While I am a pretty steady Facebook status update-er, there has been a change of life around here that I have not mentioned.  There really has been no need to, and of course most people know about it already.  If I were to just honestly write what was in my head to say to people all of the time it would be, 'I am fine.' 

Matt is deployed.  It is only four months, which is so small a deployment in military life that I cannot complain.  I don't want to complain.  After all this is the life we chose and the career he loves.  He has deployed before, twice actually.  But my life has changed so drastically since then, that it feels like the first time.  Before when he deployed, I worked.  I went out with friends at night, and I went to the gym when I was lonely, or needed to clear my head.  Now I comfort toddlers, I clean house more meticulously and I count down days...

I am NOT complaining.... I actually really hate that.  The, "woe is me" attitude about inevitable events.  No military wife thinks she's going to keep her husband by her side all of the time.  But I guess this is the first time I understand the process from a SAHM's perspective, and I feel much more sympathetic about it now.  Children don't understand-- the first time Daddy doesn't come home for several days.  They adjust, I am sure, but the first time he goes is kind of heart-breaking for them.  Titus has told me several times that he is going to learn to fly/ build an airplane so that he can go find Daddy, and Jayden absolutely melted in church yesterday morning when there was no Daddy's lap to sit in.  They both ask every day if he is coming home tomorrow.  I guess that they are at an awkward age for this: so much understanding, and yet so little.

For the most part they are doing great.  And I know as time goes on they will do even better.

But I can't update my status on these little issues.  These are things we just work out and through, and we grow happier and stronger, and fonder of Daddy every day. And I am fine; truly. I always see these little lapses in togetherness as a time for accomplishing personal goals. I am working on losing some weight, plan to paint a mural somewhere in our house, and maybe plant a small garden if the weather will ever stop being ridiculous. I have been sewing, and drawing into the wee hours of the morning {those times when I miss him most}. And everything is fine. I am not complaining. Seriously. I am good. 

I am actually really glad I have a husband that I can miss. A keeper, I suppose. I am glad he didn't want to leave, and I am glad our children feel the void. I am also grateful for grandparents, a sweet church, McDonald's, goofy golf, trampolines, bicycles, and all sorts of other healing potions right now. We are really spoiled to be honest.

So I guess my thoughts to others in this arena: single moms, I give you mad props.  You are seriously amazing people.  Men everywhere: your families need you.  And not because you do things perfectly, your presence is the best thing ever.  And to all of the kiddos whose daddies are gone for a short time or forever, I say a prayer for your comfort every night.  I hope that some of you guys will come to know and understand the never-leaving love of our heavenly Father.... the same prayer I pray for my children, I pray for you.

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thoughts on the FB break-up...

Nearly two months ago, I announced that I was going to be quitting Facebook;  I have since been back, and felt that I should explain a few things, for my own peace of mind. I mean, it did feel like running into an ex at first.  I had made this announcement, and suddenly I am lurking around... sort of makes one feel I didn't really mean it, or that I had no will-power.

To be honest there were only a few reasons that I was sick of Facebook.: 1) I had my feelings hurt. 2) It seemed that over the past six months there had been more nasty posts done in the name of a political party/ religious belief than I cared to read.  I get that people view social media through different eyes than I, and everyone is entitled to their opinion.  But it was draining to even view all of the negative banter.  I decided I was too busy for it.  And really, aren't you too?  Is anyone really won over by a few snide remarks on a status update?

The third reason was entirely my own doing.  I was completely self-conscious about my posts.  It got bad.  I was checking every hour or so to see if anyone "liked" what I wrote, and feeling completely down if no one did.  Foolishness, I know.  There is no excuse, but with all of the transition we have had lately I have left many friends, and developed few in our new place... so I was living vicariously, which is not really living.

Taking a break, meant being brave... facing loneliness and striving harder to make friends out of strangers.  This is an area that I always struggle to start in, but usually ends up being therapeutic.  My soul needed some searching, my carpet needed some knee prints worn in it.  I am ashamed of how shallow I had become.  It happened so quickly, I did not even see my waywardness coming.

I got back to some old-fashioned correspondence.  I wrote a few letters, handed out my email, and started to heavily upload pictures to flickr for anyone who cared to see how we were doing.  Honestly, I really really love writing letters, and am so glad to have rediscover that.

However, like most rash decisions that I make,  had to re-evaluate quitting Facebook altogether.  I knew there were people I would possibly lose touch with completely, and life events that I would not be aware of.  I mean, in the busyness and with the distance, I cannot expect special treatment when folks have learned they can simply upload their change of life and everyone will know.  As much as I would like everyone to pick up a pen or phone long distance every now and then, I realize that is not the world we live in anymore.  While my time on Facebook is more limited than before, and my friends list shorter, I simply love some people too much to quit completely.  So, I'm still around... for those guys who post REAL things about themselves, and their families that make me giggle, and sigh, and say inwardly, "I miss you."  You guys are what make social media good, in my mind.  Keep it real, seriously.