On learning that I am OK... {a memoir}

Right out of high school, I was not the most ambitious sort of person.  I had no desire to go off to college, and quite frankly the military scared my pants off, so I did a period of what might be termed "soul searching"... and simply tried to figure out my place in the world.

I worked in a mall for four years during this time... where I discovered is the place most people who can't figure themselves out go.  Some people never leave... even though it can be an excellent stepping stone/ filler between school and career, it's like a wasteland for those still in the high school mentality.  And not trying to generalize, because I know this is a big world full of diverse people... but you would think the teenage part-timers would be the source of most things evil in that line of work. The negative banter about what you are owed to play on your phone all day... the lies told about unpopular co-workers... and the $20 bills missing from the register... these were all crimes generally committed by people old enough to have a care. Seriously, hold me.

My first full-time job was at a lovely home décor shop on the East Wing of an open mall.

We were located behind a bread company and I worked in a stockroom wafting with heavenly odors that possibly went straight to my hips each morning.  My job was opening and arranging all of the new pretty items in perfect rows on countless shelves... which felt a bit like being a Christmas elf.

It was a great place to work, and I had the most wonderful boss.  But when she was promoted and staff shifted, things were not as ideal.  I was not getting the hours that I needed.  I had completed some college, but was taking a break for "direction". Since my future career plans were unclear, I felt maybe it was time I tried climbing the corporate ladder a bit. So I began the nerve-racking {for me} task of fancy-ing my resume, and shamelessly throwing it at every managerial position available.

The first opportunity I had was a chic little boutique within walking distance. I was thrilled when that interview was scheduled, no lie. I walked into that pink building stuffed with over-priced fashion accessories, half-skirts and tops arranged by color.  The manager that met me at the counter was scarcely older than myself, though a great deal blonder and more bosom-y.  She took me to the "office" which resembled a show-girl dressing room I had seen in a movie, complete with light bulb framed mirror, counter top full of tubes of lipstick, and cloth folding chairs covered in lingerie.

She held in her hand my resume which she had clearly reviewed in detail since she called me "Kyrsten" twice. 

"You have some good references here," she didn't smile.  That would have perhaps creased her foundation.  'The thing is, we have, like, really famous people that shop here.  Britney Spears, for instance, loves our store."  <<OK>>  "We have to keep our standards really high, so I'm sorry.  I'm sure your awesome and everything... we just need a certain... look."

And every negative word I could think of would appropriately summarize that person and/or situation.

About a month later, as I walked to the bank I noticed a young man and older woman across the street watching me, and appearing to be talking about me.  I tend to be a little paranoid {particularly when last night's deposit is in my apron pocket}, so when thoughts like this enter my mind, I try to dismiss them quickly.

On my way back from the bank this same guy runs across the street and hands me his card. "Hi, my name is *Jordan, I am the store manager for *Gadgets and Things.  Would you be interested in a job?"

"I... don't know." I answered cautiously. 

He flashed me a smile, and poured out some charm the only bit of which I remember went something like, "Listen, you look like a professional.  Anita, my assistant, put in her two weeks notice and I need to fill her position pronto. I have a sense about people and I just know we would work well together.  Call me of you are interested in a full-time job with benefits."  He ran back across the street, leaving me completely baffled.  Had not a few weeks before, I "not looked the part" for a job?  This was manna, I tell you, pure manna.  Or the worst joke ever.  I wasn't sure.  Was he in cahoots with bronzy-girl?  They were both a certain caliber of person I had come to regard as "out of my league."

I held onto that card for two weeks before I called, and I was convinced that he had pulled the same move a dozen times now probably and the position most likely had been filled.  Much to my surprise, not only was the position still available, but he knew who I was immediately.

I will never forget that job or that guy that hired me.  He ended up being the oddest type of boss ever.  Incredibly tough to please at times, a favorites-player for sure, but he genuinely wanted to be surrounded by people he could consider family.  He would invite me out to dinner and drinks with his wife, and brother.. and friends.  Of course, I eventually took him and the job for granted... At the time, I never really saw how perfect the timing was, or how much of a blessing I had received.

And I guess, this sequence is a reminder that there are silver linings... that when people are mean, and you have done something stupid and embarrassed yourself, or failure just seems to be your star... there will be little stories of successes, and kindnesses, and hope if you just keep trudging along.

I recall that I didn't need a job... I had one... so in a sense, the need provided for here was just the knowledge that I was OK.  I may not be up to Britney's standards, or a whole slew of the gorgeous, rich, or famous. But even a plain little sparrow finds a flock, and an appropriate place to nest with each season.

thoughts on the FB break-up...

Nearly two months ago, I announced that I was going to be quitting Facebook;  I have since been back, and felt that I should explain a few things, for my own peace of mind. I mean, it did feel like running into an ex at first.  I had made this announcement, and suddenly I am lurking around... sort of makes one feel I didn't really mean it, or that I had no will-power.

To be honest there were only a few reasons that I was sick of Facebook.: 1) I had my feelings hurt. 2) It seemed that over the past six months there had been more nasty posts done in the name of a political party/ religious belief than I cared to read.  I get that people view social media through different eyes than I, and everyone is entitled to their opinion.  But it was draining to even view all of the negative banter.  I decided I was too busy for it.  And really, aren't you too?  Is anyone really won over by a few snide remarks on a status update?

The third reason was entirely my own doing.  I was completely self-conscious about my posts.  It got bad.  I was checking every hour or so to see if anyone "liked" what I wrote, and feeling completely down if no one did.  Foolishness, I know.  There is no excuse, but with all of the transition we have had lately I have left many friends, and developed few in our new place... so I was living vicariously, which is not really living.

Taking a break, meant being brave... facing loneliness and striving harder to make friends out of strangers.  This is an area that I always struggle to start in, but usually ends up being therapeutic.  My soul needed some searching, my carpet needed some knee prints worn in it.  I am ashamed of how shallow I had become.  It happened so quickly, I did not even see my waywardness coming.

I got back to some old-fashioned correspondence.  I wrote a few letters, handed out my email, and started to heavily upload pictures to flickr for anyone who cared to see how we were doing.  Honestly, I really really love writing letters, and am so glad to have rediscover that.

However, like most rash decisions that I make,  had to re-evaluate quitting Facebook altogether.  I knew there were people I would possibly lose touch with completely, and life events that I would not be aware of.  I mean, in the busyness and with the distance, I cannot expect special treatment when folks have learned they can simply upload their change of life and everyone will know.  As much as I would like everyone to pick up a pen or phone long distance every now and then, I realize that is not the world we live in anymore.  While my time on Facebook is more limited than before, and my friends list shorter, I simply love some people too much to quit completely.  So, I'm still around... for those guys who post REAL things about themselves, and their families that make me giggle, and sigh, and say inwardly, "I miss you."  You guys are what make social media good, in my mind.  Keep it real, seriously. 

I Am...

~ Loving a mild winter, flowy skirts, and short hair.  It's funny how the smallest things can make such a  difference in the day-to-day... a sense of freedom, of being fuss-free, or ready for anything.  It is a glorious feeling that I wish I could bottle to spritz on stressful moments like lysol.

~ Learning balance {always}.  Right now it is a mind-over-body thing.  For the past year, I struggled with some severely uncomfortable health issues.  I think I am-- as of this past month--- free of them.  Queue the internal sigh of relief, my entire inner body is rejoicing.  Still, I have not yet learned when I can push it, and when to chill out.  There are times when I vigorously test my limits only to curse my stars all the next day, etc. On the same note, am contemplating a juice or vegetable cleanse of some sort.  Still, don't want to do anything that will harsh on my system, or leave me drained of energy.  The thought of a good cleansing of the left-over toxins is very appealing though.

~Still weepy after watching Mrs Palfrey at The Claremont on netflix streaming.  If you haven't watched it, DO.  It is sweet, pretty clean, and is just one of those movies that leaves you feeling good about life.

~Planning a small party for the end of next month to celebrate the twins fourth birthday.  I can't believe it every year.  They've grown so much/ it feels like yesterday.

~ Living more simply.  A lot less processed foods, less clutter, TV, less sporadic spending.  It feels good.

~Reading The Musician's Daughter by Susanne Dunlap

~Learning to be a single mom.  I say that I am not at all anxious about Matt's deployment in July, but I would be crazy not to be just a little.  As he trains, there have been longer days and nights, and I have had to schedule accordingly.  I don't always do it great, but I am getting there.

~Longing for a road trip.  I don't care where.  I just want to get away for a little while... with the sunshine and my short hair and a suitcase full of skirts and ...

be free.

Defying Bitterness

Recently, I have experienced some online confrontation.  The source was a person I have known for a long time, but would not say that I am particularly close to.  No one ever really expects that to happen... at least not to those of us who are happily using social media to share pictures of our children and meals; those of us who turn to our laptops for "me time" when we want to just relax and connect for a few moments;  those of us who avoid political debates, and sidestep controversial issues in cyberspace.  People like me tend to see our online world just as a place for fun.  For this, and many reasons, I felt inclined to give up Facebook.

I have been a fan of FB for a long time now. It has allowed me to keep some real, and nearly instantaneous connection with so many friends around the country. I honestly did not think I would ever quit it. However, I never thought about it allowing people who have no business telling me or my husband how we should live our lives an avenue to do just that. Under the guise of concern, I believe the word used was "exhorting"... a particular person felt they needed to chide me, and question my character over a post I wrote last year, and then reacted in similar unpleasantness to a post that Matt wrote.

Now granted: in this person's moral standards, we both fell short.  However, I feel that if you do not know me well enough to own my phone number, then you are not in any position to work on my character flaws. If you have not invited me to your home, or out for a meal, then what makes you think I should accept your offer of criticism? If you have not said anything positive, or encouraged me in the good deeds I am working in {perhaps you do not even know what they are}, then why in the world should you feel compelled to the Christian task of exhorting?

I am so glad that I have always been encouraged to treat people with kindness. I remember times in my life when all I wanted was justice, and felt so hurt that my parents should want me to turn the other cheek. Even though it still terribly stings my pride, I know from past regret that the only way to truly end an argument, is with kind words. It is not always about being right, or smart.  Verbal diarrhea looks bad on anyone, whether they are justified or not.

Unfortunately, I am one of those pitiful people that is thrown into a period of self-doubt and despondency after any confrontation.  I feel uglier and stupider and meaner after being criticized.  And then I feel angry with whatever is making me this way.  I just wish that it was not so easy for my thoughts to become dark.  Even if I respond in kindness, even if I know I am right, even if I pray and ask for forgiveness  for my offender and for myself {forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors.}, there will be unguarded moments where I wish I had fought harder, or that somehow this person would know that they were wrong and be embarrassed about it instead of walking around triumphantly.  I think angry, selfish things far too often. 

Which is scary because the roots of those feelings left alone will tangle and ensnare.  They will grow and warp the person I am until I become the person who has offended me.  After all, if not for bitterness, and self-righteousness, would this person have acted in such a way?  

And so I begin for myself a daily goal: put forth more tenderness, more focus on thankfulness, and end each day praying in earnest, "Lord, save me from the bitter and hated woman I could become."

 I am thankful that like Dickens wrote,  "Men's courses will foreshadow certain ends, to which, if persevered in, they must lead, but if the courses be departed from, the ends will change."